Family Matters Follow-Up Part I: Divorce and Marriage; Sex Education

Last Friday I wrote a post entitled "Family Matters" about the decline of the traditional family in the United States and the West, which I called "our true national and civilizational crisis."  To my surprise, the post was very well-received and popular.  To date, it is the second-most read blog post on the site, and I look for it to eclipse the most-read entry, "American Values, American Nationalism."  It certainly shattered single-day records for The Portly Politico.

It also garnered quite a bit of discussion on my Facebook page, where I always share links to these posts.  There was a great deal of excellent discussion, including questions for clarification on some points.  People also shared some of their personal experiences with matters of family and what sorts of arrangements work and in what circumstances.

As such, I thought I'd dedicate today and Wednesday's posts to following up on some of the comments, questions, and observations I received.  I do so to facilitate further discussion and to help clear up any confusion about some of my contentions.

(Note:  As I wrote this post, I decided to split it into [at least] two parts.  Wednesday's portion will deal with questions about same-sex couples and the impact of the Great Society upon black families.)

 

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- Divorce:  I did not mention divorce at all in Friday's post, but many of the comments I received dealt with this painful scenario.  Certainly, no picture of the decline of the traditional family is complete without a discussion of dissolved unions.

With roughly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the model of the stable, two-parent family is further threatened, although increasingly families are forming outside of formal marriage.  Neither of these scenarios is ideal.  The rate of divorce naturally increased in the twentieth century in part because divorces became easier to obtain, especially with the rise and success of the women's suffrage and rights movements.

The relative legal ease of acquiring a divorce, however, does not tell the full story.  Divorce also increased because of increasingly relaxed attitudes about marriage and family formation.  As the single working mother morphed from an object of sympathy into a perverse ideal--and as social signals and laws increasingly downplayed the importance of fathers and privileged mothers--both men and women came to see marriage as less of an institution and more of a formality.

"[Parents]... should make a good-faith effort to raise their children in a stable home, and to spare them the misery, confusion, and familial turmoil of divorce."

As several commenters noted, sometimes divorce is, sadly, the better option, such as when a spouse is abusive.  I suspect many such unfortunate unions take place precisely because we've come to take marriage (and love) so lightly.  The erosion of a broad, common set of cultural and religious values could also play a role, as more and more "oxen" are unevenly "yoked," creating deep tensions within relationships.

Of course, marriage is hugely complicated, and couples part way for many reasons (usually money).  However, it does seem that, absent abuse, infidelity, or criminality, couples with children should make a good-faith effort to raise their children in a stable home, and to spare them the misery, confusion, and familial turmoil of divorce.

 

If your husband is pointing a gun at you, it's probably time to call it quits.  Otherwise, make the best of a bad situation.  At least you can still get 2 for $20 entrees at Chili's (tm).

(Image Source:  https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c7/Gates_of_Divorce.jpg/574px-Gates_of_Divorce.jpg)

Marriage, after all, is--or, at least, should be--a serious obligation entered into by two sober-minded adults with shared values and principles.  Of course, actual human relationships tend to be messy even in the most ideal of circumstances, but a proper focus on the point of marriage--two people coming together as one in the presence of God--would go a long way to help realign and heal struggling marriages.

 "Marriage, after all, is... a serious obligation entered into by two sober-minded adults with shared values and principles."

- Sex Education:  One friend argued that we need more sex education in schools, as well as free birth control for young people to prevent unwanted pregnancies.  While I believe that abstinence is the best method of birth control to emphasize, I'm enough of a realist to know that teenagers find particular joy in doing what they're told not to do.

The problem I see is two-fold:  first, we already provide sex education in most public high schools throughout the United States; second, the call for more sex education and access to contraceptives merely demonstrate the crisis of the family I've noted.

The proper realm for sex education is the home.  The popular media has perpetuated the myth that parents don't talk to their children about the pitfalls of premarital sex because they're uncomfortable or prudish, so the schools have to do it to prevent millions of unplanned pregnancies.

The problem, rather, is that so many children are growing up in homes without proper parental guidance, they're missing out on important lessons about sex, marriage, and family.  Absent fathers aren't there to teach their children that it's wrong to get a woman pregnant and then to leave her.  Sex outside of the framework or expectation of marriage becomes devoid of any larger sense of responsibility.

 "[S]o many children are growing up in homes without proper parental guidance, they're missing out on important lessons about sex, marriage, and family."

Therefore, teachers have had to take on yet another responsibility that should rest primarily, if not solely, with parents.  Add to this lack of parental involvement the glorification of sex in the media and the general "if-it-feels-good-do-it" philosophy of postmodern America, and you have a recipe for moral disaster.

It's unfortunate that schools have had to adopt this responsibility, at it suggests a massive decline in the understanding of what parents are supposed to do for their children.

To the point about free birth control in schools, I've never really understood this argument.  I understand that the logic goes, "it's worth taxpayers' money because it prevents the births of children who would become wards of the state; therefore, it's ultimately more cost-effective."  But many forms of birth control are incredibly cheap and readily available.  There's no compelling argument for why the government should force taxpayers to pay for a box of condoms for high school students.

As far as the birth control pill for girls, it's actually Republicans who want to make it available over-the-counter, which would further drive down the cost and allow young women experiencing shame or uncertainty to obtain it more easily.

 "[P]roviding birth control pills to minors through public schools introduces a host of sticky constitutional and legal concerns...."

Most importantly, providing birth control pills to minors through public schools introduces a host of sticky constitutional and legal concerns, the biggest being, "what if a family's faith forbids the use of contraceptives"?  A devout, traditional Catholic, for example, would no-doubt object to being forced to pay for birth control for his daughter and the daughters of strangers.  He would likewise experience a crisis being required to purchase condoms for his or others sons.

Just because most people--including, apparently, most Catholics--are morally comfortable using traditional birth control and contraceptive methods doesn't mean that we should make those who disagree pay for it.  The need to fund contraceptives becomes even less pressing when the low cost is considered.  Why cause an unnecessary, stressful crisis of faith for millions just to save a kid a quarter on a gas station rubber?

At this point, I would agree with my friend that, unfortunately, schools do have to take some role in sex education, especially given the increased likelihood children won't receive it at home, since the traditional family unit is on the decline.  If private non-profit organizations want to provide additional information or free contraceptives, no worries--there's no infringement upon religious liberty via official coercion.  Additionally, schools should stress the moral and financial obligations of parents to their children, especially in those communities where good role models are lacking.

Unfortunately, another government program to hand out free condoms is not a lasting solution to a problem that is one of the soul, not of the pocketbook.  Let civil society address these problems (perhaps with a revival of the good, old-fashioned shotgun wedding).

***

These are certainly thorny problems, and I fully recognize that as a single, never-married man I don't possess the same perspective as, say, a married couple of twenty years or a divorcee.  Nevertheless, I reject the notion that a lack of personal experience disqualifies one from the discussion (even while acknowledging that personal experience often provides a great deal of clarity).  Besides, I've witnessed first-hand the power of strong marriages and stable families.  Indeed, I'm the beneficiary of one such union.

Finally, I appreciate lively (and civil) feedback and discussion, and I look forward to expanding further on this topic on Wednesday.

Family Matters

Last Friday, I wrote about one of my intellectual heroes, Richard Weaver (and I recommended his masterful treatise Ideas Have Consequences in the wildly popular Portly Politico Summer Reading List 2016).  In that post, I promised to begin a series of pieces "exploring why tradition, morality, and Truth matter to a free society, and how we can restore them."

To that end, I'd like to focus on the importance of family to the maintenance of a free, prosperous society.  This topic should be fairly uncontroversial--that is, if we still lived in a society that did not demonize the traditional family structure while unthinkingly validating less productive--and, indeed, at times destructive--alternatives.

Unfortunately, we seem to take the nuclear family for granted.  We do so at our peril.  I would argue that a host of modern American society's worst problems--generational poverty, increased government dependence, loosening morals--are in many ways byproducts of the destruction of the nuclear family.

In 2012, over half of births to women under 30 were out of wedlock.  72.3% of blacks were born out of wedlock, while nearly 30% of whites were born so.  Compare those figures to the 1950s--before President Lyndon Johnson's Great Society, which wreaked havoc on the black family--and illegitimacy rates were comparably very low, and only somewhat higher among blacks than whites.  Now it would seem that the rising tide of illegitimacy is indeed lifting all ships, and the ill-effects of illegitimacy are decreasingly color-blind.

 

The most adorable public domain family I could find.

(Image Source:  http://publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=62978&picture=happy-extended-family-isolated-on-white&large=1)

(For more reading, I highly recommend anything written by economist Walter Williams, especially his excellent book Race and Economics:  How Much Can Be Blamed on Discrimination.  I've also used this Williams article in preparing this post:  http://www.frontpagemag.com/fpm/258575/culture-and-social-pathology-walter-williams.  For more statistics--and nice line graphs--check here:  http://www.redstate.com/repair_man_jack/2013/04/26/the-president-planned-parenthood-and-the-black-mass-against-traditional-morality/.  UPDATE:  Here's a link to a transcipt of Democratic Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan's famous "Moynihan Report," written in 1965 while he was working in the US Department of Labor:  http://www.blackpast.org/primary/moynihan-report-1965.)

It's a testament to the institution's destruction that I even have to argue in favor of it.  The benefits of the nuclear family should be self-evident.  To wit:

- The Family is an Incubator for Morality:  The family is the first place in which children's morality is taught and reinforced.  We all have an inherent sense of right and wrong (except for sociopaths), but the family helps to develop the conscience and to give morality meaning, usually through a system of punishments for bad behavior and rewards for the good.  Parents (ideally) model good behavior for their children, and take an active role in inculcating proper behavior.

Indeed, self-government is impossible without this moral instruction:  we learn self-control and -restraint so that we can live freely.  Without such moral instruction, we raise generations of adults who are unable to control their impulses and who fail to understand the consequences of wickedness.  Therefore, a poor or incomplete moral upbringing breeds more criminality and recklessness, causing a growing portion of society leaning on the state for support.

"Without such moral instruction, we raise generations of adults who are unable to control their impulses and who fail to understand the consequences of wickedness."

- The Family is a Generational Anti-Poverty Machine:  I am able to live a modest, comfortable life on a private school teacher's salary (it's noticeably less than that of public school teachers in the State)--and was able to pursue two degrees in History/Advanced Trivia--because my father read water meters while going to school full-time, and because my parents scrupulously saved money (and taught my brothers and me how to do the same).  My father was able to teach me those lessons because his father accepted Christ.  His father--from what I can discern--was a restless gadabout who played piano in juke joints and lumber camp bars.  My grandfather reversed what could have been a negative trend of absenteeism and amorality.

It took three generations of self-restraint and moral uprightness to build a solid foundation.  Even then, it required loving moral instruction from my parents to help preserve the gains of the past.  The hard work and sacrifice of my parents and grandparents not only taught me how to fend for myself; it provided (and continues to do so) a powerful economic incubator.  Without that sacrifice, I would have been unable to attend college, or would have become massively indebted doing so.  I'm able to slam money into retirement now because dad read those water meters, went to college, and worked his way up in municipal government.  In the process, he taught me to work and study hard (which is why I spend most of my summers painting classrooms and trimming the football field).

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum was right when he called the nuclear family the most effective anti-poverty program available.  It works!

- The Family Provides a Model for Masculinity and Femininity:  The image of the sexy single career mom--the one who doesn't need a man to raise a kid--and the schlubby, do-nothing dad are probably two of the most destructive notions ever to plague the modern West.  Don't get me wrong--I'm all about women pursuing their dreams and careers as they wish.  What I object to is the unrealistic notion that somehow people can "have it all"--all the rewards of work, family, and the like--without any of the necessary sacrifices that come with them.  It's selfish to want and expect everything, even at the cost of a child's well-being.  Further, any objective observer will acknowledge that it's harder to raise a child with one parent rather than two.

"[S]tatistically and historically, the best possible social arrangement for the rearing of children is the traditional family structure headed by a mother and a father."

Allow me to make a point that is, unfortunately, now controversial:  men and women need each other.  Yes, that's a generalization.  Yes, there are some exceptions.  But, broadly speaking, it's the truth most of the time.  More importantly, children need a mother and a father.

Please note:  I'm not arguing that a stable, same-sex couple or a single person shouldn't be allowed to adopt a child.  The need to find good homes for orphans far outweighs the potential shortcomings of lacking a male or female role model.  Nor am I arguing that all traditional families are always perfect--far from it.

What I'm saying is that, statistically and historically, the best possible social arrangement for the rearing of children is the traditional family structure headed by a mother and a father.  It's pretty much the way we're designed.  Children need and receive different things from their fathers than they do their mothers, and vice-versa.  Young boys learn how to be good men from their fathers.  That means they learn how to treat women with respect, among other things.  Little girls, for that matter, learn different lessons from their fathers than their mothers.

As I often tell my students, men and woman are different, but equal.  One sex isn't better than the other, but both are complementary and possess intangible qualities that the other needs.  That's why marriage is a coming together of two people to make one.  And, again, it's just the way we're made.

***

There's a reason the nuclear family is a subject near-and-dear to the hearts of social conservatives, and why we despair upon seeing the rise in illegitimacy rates and the decline of traditional marriage.  The nuclear family as an institution and social arrangement is hugely successful, yet we've jettisoned it from society in favor of... practically nothing.  If all arrangements are deemed equally valid, then none of them is worthy of supporting.  Thus, why bother?

At that point--the point, I fear, we have reached now--there is little hope that the next generation will enjoy, on the same scale, the manifold benefits the nuclear family provides.

This sobering reality, more than anything else, is our true national and civilizational crisis.  To repair it will require an acknowledgement of the benefits of the traditional family structure and an emphasis on the proper roles mothers and fathers are to play in the moral lives of their children.